Symptom

Fault

Action

Feet cold and wet

Glass being held at incorrect angle

Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Improper bladder control

Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

Glass empty

Get someone to buy you another beer

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

You have fallen over backward

Have yourself lashed to bar

Mouth contains cigarette butts

You have fallen forward

See above

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face

Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

Floor blurred

You are looking through bottom of empty glass

Get someone to buy you another beer

Floor moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Room seems unusually dark

Bar has closed

Confirm home address with bartender

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures

Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

Cover mouth

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

You are dancing on the table

Fall on somebody cushy-looking

Beer is crystal-clear

It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up

Punch him

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

You have been in a fight

Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in

You’ve wandered into the wrong party

See if they have free beer

Your singing sounds distorted

The beer is too weak

Have more beer until your voice improves

Don’t remember the words to the song

Beer is just right

Play air guitar